Divorce - What’s right for You?

My name is Wendy , I’m 55 and 15 years ago I divorced my husband of 13 years , the father of my 3 children. We had emigrated back to his homeland, New Zealand. I had no family here but I'd made some good friends .

My Mum was a godsend .

During my initial decision to separate and the separation time , I relied heavily on her daily support over the phone.

Looking back I now realise there is a huge need for support for people going through separation and divorce and I'd like to use this platform for people to just talk,  air their views , get some objective advice and if you 'd like to, have a private chat with me , one off or ongoing .

Objective advice and support is essential and I'll tell you why ... Your family love you and of course , the majority have your best interests at heart, but very often what you want is not what they want. They are also a different generation.

It's good to listen but mostly it's important to listen to your own heart. This is really hard to do when you are feeling helpless , in turmoil and incredibly emotional. We tend to want someone else to deal with it and sort everything out for us . But ultimately this might not be the end result we actually want .

Let me explain ;

I remember confiding in my Mum about how unhappy I was with our current situation. Obviously the situation had been building up for several years prior. It was complex but to cut a long story short we were struggling and I was at my limitation and nothing seemed to get through. He had decided to go and work in Australia and expected me to stay with the kids while he “sorted things.”

Her response " you don't actually need to put up with this, you know ".

It hadn't occurred to me but inadvertently , she put the idea of divorce in my mind. Divorce hadn't even entered my head and my vows were " til death do us part ." I took it seriously. But I was really trying to work things through and just couldn't see a way forward.

The seed was planted but I do wonder if I had tackled things differently where would I be today ?

Don't get me wrong , I think I would have come to the same conclusion eventually but it took me along time to see that I could no longer trust the man I'd married . I was naïve and she wasn't but what if I'd known another way ? I just didn't know at the time.

During a phone call with my husband, I discovered that he had been lying to me. Fortunately, I had already planned out the conversation in my mind and had gathered some information that I knew he would never expect me to have. I posed some questions that I already knew the answers to and waited to see how he would respond. As expected, he made up some lies on the spot, which I calmly listened to. But then, I revealed that I had proof and knew that he was being dishonest with me. It was a difficult moment, but I felt empowered by my preparation and ability to confront him with confidence.

If only I had been equipped with alternative tools and a different approach, the outcome may have been different.

My Mother, was a very career oriented, independent strong woman , who had had a heavy influence throughout my life, mostly for the best , but not always.  Our relationships with our nearest and dearest can influence our decisions. Supposing she had suggested coming over to look after the kids , whilst I went to my husband to try talk things through? What if I had asked both parents to help us financially for a time , as long as he came back and was completely upfront?

Might not have worked ? What if I’d told him I loved him and desperately wanted to keep our fantastic family together and lets work this out together?

He wasn't for talking but largely because I was so angry about his recklessness towards our family . He didn't like conflict . Who does ? But I was transparent and he knew how I felt. He also felt embarrassed and ashamed and his way of dealing was to run away. I needed to be a lot more gentle , a lot more but I couldn't, I was so angry . I had grown up without a father and he knew that was paramount that my children had a present Dad . I tried so hard to understand him . I just knew I would never do the same in that situation . But people are not the same , they have experienced a different upbringing so won't behave the same. He had a very traditional upbringing with a Father that worked and a Mother that stayed home to look after the kids. His Father was the boss . I had no Father. My Mum was the boss .

I wish someone had said to me , you need to handle this much more sensitively and talk to your husband lovingly and emphasising how to get through this as a family . I needed to encourage openness . It may still not have worked but it didn't work the way I did it , that's for sure . But I don't take all the onus , there are always two and he also had a responsibility to talk and tell me the truth. Both parties need to want the marriage to work . I felt like I was the only one fighting for it at the time. Was that true?

I think my husband wanted me to stay put while he sorted out our financial situation overseas but it wasn't discussed enough and I had never been someone that would just do what anyone said. But perhaps that 's what he expected from me. To trust him . His parents were a generation older than my Mum and that's what his Mum had done. That's what he knew and they were still together. Different times though.

He also needed to know and understand me. Communication and understanding and maturity with an ability to know what each other wants in the long run but not to put the other through hell along the way. That isn't fair. Everyone has their own limitations and I remember verbally telling him that .

So objective advice is really essential. And that can come in many forms . A professional counsellor or just maybe a divorce coach. I am now a divorce coach.

In those early days of deciding on divorce we need to search for the right advice which should be what we want for ourselves and what's best for the children, the true victims in it all.

What do you feel is the priority here and what do you feel is the right thing to do? You. How do you want to look back on this time?

So how to make that decision; Do I stay and try to make this work or do I know it’s time to go . I can’t do this anymore?

For me, it was quite black and white at the time. Sometimes people have character traits that are just not conducive to being in a relationship. They may be charismatic, ambitious people who know what they want out of life and that can be very appealing but when it comes to raising a family , what commitment do you expect from them? How well do you know your partner when you walk down the aisle? We don’t really know. Marriage is a calculated risk.

Interestingly enough, a friend recently said she’d been at a wedding and the minister said when the bride and groom took their vows “This is the meeting of 2 people who are making a lifelong commitment but in fact there are 6 people. There is the person you are and then the person that he thinks you are and the person you are yet to become!

How true.

Let me know your thoughts on this and how you feel about it